Baptism MIRACLE “An epiphany”

My husband, son and I became a legal family December, 2013 and celebrated our son’s baptism May, 2014.  So now that we have done the baptism I have some time to breath and write a short story.  I love my younger sister, she is so organized and such a pro at decorating and having great party ideas that of course she helped me with the preparations for our son’s baptism.  One of the days before the baptism I went to visit my sister, her and her daughter open up the door and smiled as they welcome me into their house.  As I crossed the doorway I get this lovely smell of roses, the smell is so intense I look for the fresh flowers.  Somehow today, she did not have fresh-cut roses in the base that sits on top her dining room table.  I did not think much of it and thought the smell was coming from her rose bushes.  We started talking about the baptism,the decorations, the baptism favors.  I told her this week I have worked on the rosaries and after much trial and error I got it.  I showed her a sampled I brought with me and she loved it.  I didn’t tell my sister that while I am sitting in my little office making these rosaries I keep thinking of my grandma, she past away in ’97 and I miss her.  We continued talking as her daughter, now 1-year-old, walks around the house grabbing everything in her path.  We just make sure to keep an eye on her between the two of us.  Well the little one got to my sister’s bible and pull out a little piece of paper and brought it to me.  I open the small piece of paper and it was my grandmother’s handwriting, until this moment I did not know my sister had my grandma’s bible.  I said look at this is grandma’s handwriting, it says Ephesians 4: 5-6.  Look it up, our grandma is trying to tell us something.  My sister with disbelieve gets the bible and starts to read just to please me.  That is why I love her.  “There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, One god and Father of all”.  Wow! my skin just got goosebumps.  I said Grandma knows we are baptizing our children and she is happy about it.  Now I know that my grandma was really with me while I was making those rosaries, that she knows my son and she is with us in spirit.

I had an epiphany as I am writing this blog, I guess I was being very self-centered with my son’s baptism and with my spiritual relationship with my grandma that I missed the big picture.  I am glad I am doing this post now.  I am now for another time re-reading “There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all”, wow! Can you believe that? We just have to keep on working on our faith, God is here, God is real!  This message that I still believe my grandma sent us, is amazing.  To think that so many years ago she wrote that piece of paper while studying the bible so that it could there ready for her to guide my nice to deliver the message to us.  This is all God’s doing, I have to keep on working on my family’s spiritual journey and mine.  Gotta love it!  The big guy never seizes to amaze me, that was a lot of work and planning for this little person. I love you.

Keep on believing… Adoption rocks!

My Mom reminded me to keep blogging.  She said you wont remember those magical moments that happen every day.  So here I am, back again trying to inspire you to be patient, to wait whatever you have to wait, to endure whatever you have to endure.  Just think that your child is also waiting.  Remember that it has already been determined that he will be yours, but you have to keep on trying, preparing and waiting.  Remember that this child has been probably waiting for a longer time for a family, that has endured some hard situations and probably has had to deal with loss at a very young age.  Doesn’t that make your wait, sadness and anxiety almost nothing?  I know that it is really easy to say it, then to live it and to be in that moment.  Just believe me, it is all worth it!  and if you are still waiting for your child your wait will soon be over.

My husband and I went to a lot of the adoption training classes provided by our county and I still was so naive and clueless about attachment/bonding.  I made a lot of mistakes, but worked hard at bonding with my child.  I have to say that as a family we worked on it a LOT, our little one too.  We are at a stable place now but this relationships is something we will work on forever.  Sometimes he calls me Mama and that makes my day.  I love him and want to give him a stable family, lots of love, and fun.  We are all so happy for our immediate summer break!  Gotta love it.

Name change during adoption

So I though I got the message when I went to the PRIDE classes and we talked about think twice before changing the child’s first name. Well, at least that was what I thought. I was surprise when Spidey did not agree to changing his last name.  He said he did not like ours and he wanted to keep his.  Somehow in our classes, I understood that his name was what defined him and that was why changes are difficult.  When I went to my class I completely connected with the fact about your name defining you  as I was also challenge to change my name when I became a citizen and when I got married.  Somehow I did not translate that to the attachment my son had to his full name, his first, middle and last name.  Yes, now that I think about it I ask my self, didn’t you go to school? didn’t you said you could relate? didn’t you said you had a problem changing your last name? Well, good for you for relating to it now relate to your son and to him having another loss, his last name.  Do you think he will suffer another loss, now his identity? how would you feel about it? I know how I will feel about it! I cried as an adult woman when some official wanted to change my name during my citizenship and I felt helpless, cornered and I didn’t like that name.  Wow!! that is the reason you had to live those moments little girl, that is the reason you had to fight for it, now go ahead and defend your son from this situation.

What can I can say now?  We did changed my sons last name but we talked to him for months and prepared him to accept his new family name.  We explained to him that it is a way for us to celebrate becoming a family, becoming a unity, a forever family.  Well what I did was to get my son as involved as possible and as informed as he could be.  Our adoption finalized in December 2013 and he was just baptize last month.  Our son decided if he wanted to keep his first and middle name and he picked his new name.  His new name is lovely and is meant for him.  I know I love it.  At the end it was our son’s decision and it will have a great story to go with it.

We love our son, he has made us grow and learn in ways I would have never imagine.  We always try to prepare as much as we can but Spidey turns our world upside down in a second defying all the rules and for that we love him, without that we would still be the same.  Gotta love it.

Prayer for a stranger

This morning I took my time to get out of bed, took a long shower and got dress to go to the Spa, oh what a life.  I get to the spa on time, relaxed, changed into a warm bathrobe and slipper and walk down the hall to the relaxation room.  I sit in a comfy sofa, started sipping chamomile tea and soaking my feet in a Eucalyptus infuse warm water. As I am taking my first sip I say to my self, look at this lady see how lucky your are, see how fortunate you are, give thanks that you can enjoy a day like today and have no worries. Tea smelled delicious and the warm water in my feet felt so relaxing.  I close my eyes to give thanks and hear Tari saying hello to me.

Tari is a happy-go-lucky lady that always talks to me with so much love, you know the way a mom talks to you, you can tell she opens up her heart.  There she is standing next to me with a big smile, her shiny curly black hair and warm dark eyes.  She asks me how am I doing she remembers our conversation from more than a month ago with details.  We then start talking about how she is doing and life is not looking that great for her.

Tari’s husband has cancer and had an emergency surgery last week, he is back home and starting radiation again.  My dear friend is in need of prayers, today she inspired me to write this blog and ask for your prayers.  She is learning how to continue working while taking care of her husband at the same time she sees him getting weaker.  Today she is thinking of cutting her hair, she doesn’t want to spend 30 minutes on her hair every morning she wants to spend that time with him.  She is trying to simplify her life to spend the time she has with her husband and the ones she loves.

So today I ask you to pray for a stranger, for his and his family well-being.  Send all your love as your read this blog.  Today, again God was there reminding me of how fortunate I am and how we all can connect through prayer.

prayer..

The adoption countdown continues…One month down.

We got approved as potential adoptive parents December 7th, 2011, this Sunday it was our one month anniversary.  My Mom laughed when I told her that we were celebrating our one month anniversary.  I am thinking, I need to keep some excitement while we wait for the phone to ring with awesome news and we decided to make it an anniversary.

When the social worker came to perform the last visit, she told us the average wait time for placement was between 4 to 6 months.  This means we only have 5 more months to go, in the mean time we made some changes to our pantry, wahoo!(win-win).  We have no idea of how much free time we will have once the placement activities begin, so I am taking advantage of that.

It is funny how my life has changed, from some years ago when I was trying to become pregnant to today when we await a child placement for adoption.  This process has been very hard for me, it has disturbed all my feelings and beliefs to the bone.  It has questioned my beliefs to a degree that I stopped praying and talking to God.  However, today I’m happy.  I’m happy that God was there waiting for me to be ready to make my self whole again, it is amazing!  Today I learned that all my believes are certain, that my spirituality makes sense and God is noble.

So while we wait I am finding my way back to God and my beliefs, I love it.

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Flashback

My husband and I met at work; I joined this lab and he joined the adjacent laboratory 5 months later.  We spent time together having lunch every day, talking, we joined a bowling league and got to know each other a bit more.  I was not really interested in dating someone I worked with but it was a feeling I could not stop.  We dated for 8 months, talked about marriage, got engaged and married 8 months later.  When we got married I was already 35 years old, having children was always a concern in the back of my mine, even before we got married.

A couple of years earlier, 4 to 5 years before I met my husband a gipsy read my fortune and told that she did not see any  children in my future.  At that time I was not even thinking of getting married, even less of having kids, I told her that I have always wanted to have 4 children (bluffing).  That did not change her mind, she said the most I see, maybe is one.  Somehow this reading stayed in my mind and I made sure to talk about the possibility of not having children with my then future husband.  We both felt that we would be fine and that are relationship was special and it was the right time to move forward to marriage.  By the time we got married I was 36 and we decided to wait until our economic situation was more stable.  Sadly by the time we started to try to have children, I was 38, my body had decided I was too old to conceive.

I had peri-menopause symptoms shortly after I stopped taking the pill and stopped ovulating completely by age 43, even though for the last two years I hardly ever got my period.  All these symptoms did show up until I stopped taking the pill.  Some of the challenges I had, was communicating with my family and letting them know about my diagnosis.  Somehow they all told me at different times that women do not go into menopause until they are in their late 40’s or 50’s.  They also said that older women are having children all time; you see it on TV.  I tried to explain to them that I had all these specific tests (Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)) that demonstrated my condition.  Through my last years of peri-menopause I kept thinking I was pregnant every three months.  I would go and buy Pregnancy test, wait until my first morning urine.  Then I took the test anxiously waiting, the test will once again read “Not Pregnant”.  Besides feeling down, I would open up the test pen and will look directly at the strip looking for a faint positive line.   It took me while to finally overcome the dream of a biological child, the fact that I did not have my period for a consecutive year and I was now a menopausal women helped.  There was no hope of having a biological child; I was then able to move on.

So here I am a year and a half later hoping to become a Mom by fostering Love.

ESPAÑOL

MIRANDO HACIA ATRAS

Mi esposo y yo nos conocimos en el trabajo, empecé a trabajar en un laboratorio y el empezó a trabajar en el mismo laboratorio 5 meses después.  Pasamos tiempos juntos a la hora del lonche todos los días, platicando, después entramos juntos a una liga de boliche y lo llegue a conocerse un poco más.  Yo no estaba realmente interesada en salir con alguien con quien trabajó, pero era un sentimiento que no podía detener.  Salimos durante 8 meses, hablamos de matrimonio, nos comprometimos y nos casamos ocho meses más tarde. Cuando nos casamos yo tenía 35 años de edad, el tener hijos fue siempre una preocupación que mantuve en mi mente, incluso antes de casarnos.

Un par de años antes, 4 ó 5 años antes de conocer a mi esposo una gitana me leyó las cartas y me dijo que no vio a ningún hijo en mi futuro.  En ese momento ni siquiera estaba pensando en casarme, ni mucho menos en tener hijos, le dije que siempre había querido tener 4 hijos (mentiras).  Eso no hizo cambiar su mente, ella dijo que lo único que veía era tal vez solo un hijo.  De alguna manera esta lectura se quedó en mi mente y me aseguré de hablar sobre la posibilidad de no tener hijos con mi futuro esposo.  Ambos sentimos que íbamos a estar bien con o sin hijos, que nuestra relación era muy especial y que era el momento adecuado para seguir adelante con nuestro matrimonio.  En el momento en que nos casamos yo tenía 36 y decidimos esperar hasta que nuestra situación económica fuera más estable.  Lamentablemente cuando empezamos a tratar de tener hijos, yo tenía 38, mi cuerpo ya había decidido que era demasiado vieja para concebir.

Yo tenía síntomas de peri-menopausia poco después de que dejé de tomar la píldora y deje de ovular por completo a la edad de 43 años, a pesar de que durante los últimos dos años casi nunca tuve mi período.  Todos estos síntomas se presentaron hasta que deje de tomar la píldora.  Algunos de los retos que tuve fue la comunicación con mi familia y hacerles saber acerca de mi diagnóstico.  De alguna manera todos ellos me dijeron en un momento u otro que las mujeres no entran en la menopausia hasta que están en sus finales de los 40s o 50s.  También dijeron que las mujeres con mayor edad que Yo, tenían hijos todos los días, que las veían en la televisión.  Traté de explicarles que yo tenía pruebas de laboratorio (hormona folículo estimulante (FSH)) que demostraban mi condición.  Durante mis últimos dos años de la peri-menopausia constantemente pensé que estaba embarazada (cada tres meses).  Iba y compraba la prueba de embarazo, esperaba hasta la primera orina de la mañana para hacer el examen.  Cada vez tomaba la prueba esperando ansiosamente, la prueba volvía a decir “no embarazada”.  Además de sentirme triste, me ponía a abrir la pluma de la prueba y se miraba directamente a la tira buscando una línea débil que me pudiera dar esperanza de una prueba positiva.

Me tomó tiempo superar, por fin, el sueño de tener un hijo biológico, el hecho de que no tuve mi periodo por un año consecutivo y que ahora era una mujer en la menopausia, me ayudo.  No había esperanza de tener un hijo biológico, fue esto lo que me ayudo a seguir adelante.

Así que aquí estoy un año y medio más tarde con la esperanza de convertirme en Mamá fomentando amor.

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Adoption – Expecting Mother Prayer

A couple of days ago my husband went through our storage room.  We have a small storage room that is located under the stairs; we called it the Magic Room.  When we moved in, two years ago, we used this room to store everything we did not have a specific place to go, and this is why it got the name.  In our “Magic Room” you can find everything.  After my husband cleaned, he left a couple of things for me to look at just lying there in the middle of the hallway.  You probably know that for men it is very difficult to actually take out the trash, so it was there for a couple days until this morning. 

This morning while coming down the stairs, I felt I had looked at all those items enough.  So I decided to take a look before we went to work.  I finished going through most of it, most of it went to the trash and I left a couple of rabbit books and hallmark cards on top of a box before we left.  This evening after coming back from work, I decided to go over the rest of the items.  I had a wonderful surprise, I don’t remember where did I get this the first time, or if this is actually the first time I’m looking at this little book.  This little book is title “Blessing the Child Within”, Prayers for Expectant Mothers.

I though what a special gift in such a special moment in our life’s, makes me wonder how God knows exactly what we need, we just need to learn how to listen.  I am going to share the first one with you with a small modification.

BLESSING THE CHILD WITHIN

Prayers for Expectant Mothers

Kass P. Dotterweich

“My Mother Creed”

I believe in you, Almighty God.
I believe in me.
I believe my love for this child is imperfect.
I believe your love is perfect.
I believe my wisdom as a parent is limited.
I believe your wisdom is infinite.
I believe my joy in this new life issues forth from my human nature.
I believe your joy explodes from your divinity.
I believe I give this child love.
I believe you give this child life.

Amen.

ESPANOL

Hace un par de días, mi esposo empezo a limpiar nuestro closet. Tenemos un pequeño closet que se encuentra debajo de las escaleras, lo llamamos el cuarto Magico.  Cuando nos mudamos, hace dos años, utilizamos este espacio para almacenar todo lo que no tenía un lugar específico a donde ir, y es por esto qué tiene el nombre.  En nuestro “Cuarto Magico” se puede encontrar de todo.  Después de limpiar, Joel dejó un par de cosas tiradas allí en medio del pasillo. Ustedes probablemente sabe que para los hombres es muy difícil ir a tirar la basura, es por eso que estaba allí por días hasta esta mañana.
Esta mañana mientras bajaba las escaleras, sentí que ya habia visto esas cosas por muchos dias. Así que decidí echar un vistazo antes de ir a trabajar.  Revisé la mayor parte, casi todo se fue a la basura y solo un par de libros sobre conejos y unas tarjetas no tire y las puse sobre una caja antes de salir.  Esta tarde después de regresar del trabajo, decidí revisar el resto de las cosas.  Me encontre con una sorpresa maravillosa, no recuerdo donde obtuve esto la primera vez, o si es realmente esta la primera vez que estoy viendo este pequeño libro.  Este librito se títula “Bendición del Niño Dentro”, Oraciones para las mujeres embarazadas.
Pensé que es un regalo especial en un momento tan especial en nuestra vida, lo que hace que me pregunte cómo Dios sabe exactamente lo que necesitamos, sólo tenemos que aprender a escuchar.  Voy a compartir una de las oraciones con ustedes.

BENDICIÓN DEL NIÑO DENTRO
Oraciones para las mujeres embarazadas
Kass P. Dotterweich
“Credo de Madre”
Creo en ti, Dios Todopoderoso.
Creo en mí.
Creo que mi amor por este niño es imperfecto.
Creo que tu amor es perfecto.
Creo que mi sabiduría como padre es limitada.
Creo que tu sabiduría es infinita.
Creo que mi gozo en esta vida nueva viene de mi naturaleza humana.
Creo que tu gozo sale de tu divinidad.
Creo que le doy amor a este niño.
Creo que tu le vas a dar la vida.
Amén.